PHOTO: Survivors of regime airstrike on Damascus suburb of Douma, June 16, 2015

The pro-opposition Radio Free Syria announces:

The Syrian people are set to recategorise themselves collectively as historic heritage sites in the hope that this might spur the UN to take actual action to protect them from Bashar al Assad’s ongoing Nakba [catastrophe].

“Assad’s genocide has gone on for almost five years so far and gets no international attention or concern, but whenever Daesh [Islamic State] destroys a monument it’s all over the news globally,” said a resident of Douma, shouting to be heard over the noise of the latest regime air raids. “So we decided that since the world cares about Syria’s ancient heritage but not about the human beings whose heritage it is, we’d recategorise ourselves. I’m now an Abbasid-era vase and my surviving kids are Greco-Roman monumental arches.”

“I’ve redefined myself as an Assyrian temple and my kids are Byzantine-era statuary,” explained a woman in Aleppo formerly known as Raghda. “Self-definition is the only thing that matters, so hopefully now that we’ve defined ourselves as ancient monuments the UN might show some interest and maybe even save some lives like it was established to do.”

In Idlib, a Roman amphitheatre formerly known as Khalid said that while he welcomed the new initiative, he and his wife Sara — now a Mesopotamian wall frieze — are dubious of its usefulness. “Assad’s bombed quite a few historic sites, as well as towns, villages and cities full of people and the UN and world said nothing. Maybe if we just recategorized him as Daesh –– not exactly difficult since he’s working with them anyway –– the world would suddenly care and want rid of him?”